Good Bye Sgt. Hulka

"An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka is always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka." - John Winger (Bill Murray)


"You better hit those bunks my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the "big toe" is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass." - Sgt. Hulka

For all the youngsters, the quotes are from Stripes, a classic movie appreciated by millions born before You Tube.


Yes, tears are falling in the Wannabee's house as I watch yet another big toenail give up on life and choose to leave the comfortable home called my foot. The cause? Not sure though my suspicions point to the incredibly lame bike pedal-cages in spin class. How low-class is our Rec Center? Well, not using or even allowing clipless pedals in the spin class was the first sign I might not get the intensity of a workout I was looking for. Dimming the lights so as not to embarrass the 9 out 10 unfit people, one possibly being the spin instructor herself, was the next clue.
First, I am not a road cyclist and only a pretty good mountain biker, though that is seasonal as the winters don't yield many ridable trails for my ability. So spin class is just to develop the biking muscles lost in the winter and get some base time in a saddle. I do not have technique, don't know how to tune a bike and am clueless about my form on a road bike. I can climb 2,000 vertical feet of single track at 10,000ft elevation, hopping over rocks and squeezing through aspen trees and then race down, shocks taking up all 4 inches of travel, like a drunk frat boy hoping to get the last bit of foam out of a keg at the bottom of the mountain. But sitting in a defined position, going for aerodynamics, switching hand and seat positions for extended periods of time, on a flat surface, with no obstacles; and "drafting"? No, those skills, I haven't a clue.

So, when I showed up for spin class a couple months ago at my newly joined rec center, bike shoes in hand, I was not ready to try pulling up the pedals w/ my big toe in a pedal-cage. Yes, like I said, I am NOT a knowledgeable cyclist w/ developed technique so I probably wasn't doing it right anyway. Well here I am now, mourning the loss of a little piece of me I've become quite attached to. If only it didn't make such a spectacle of the whole ordeal, dragging it out for weeks as it waits to completely die.
Just get it over with already, Fall off you punk, you quitter. Get out of the way and make room for a nail that WANTS to be on my Sgt. Hulka!

Ok, I feel better, I've gotten it out. Please save the flowers, no need to send a card, I'll be alright. Just give me some space.